decor is something i love
something i feel that i am good at
and yet something that ive recently found stresses me out

in my women's small group wednesday night, i realized that despite my love for community, friendship, dinners, wine and conversation, i freak when i think of people entering our home.
its not the people part - its the i have to show my house is perfect, part
perhaps its that i am naturally an introvert?
nervous and needing to prepare myself for groups, conversation, hostessing
OR maybe its that i have the need to prove i am a good woman, wife, adult in preparing a home...
like meth is merely a symptom of a bigger issue within the addict,
my house has become the symptom of my need for control within

interestingly enough, ive never been like this - my room in oregon is a mess, i always lived with roommates, thus was always messy, however now having a space of my own,
walls, shelves and tables to cover, embellish and adorne
finally having a home
it has become the main focus of my control
i am often times overcome with angst, stress and a task oriented nature
i am, in obvious ways, a 'type a' personality
however i dont think we - regardless of 'type' - are meant to live and thrive in stress
especially when it comes to desiring community, homecooked meals and friendship
but yet, i cannot deny that there is an unspoken pressure

it could be from within
it could be from others
regardless, its there
and i know my mom feels it - cause its what i grew up seeing
[before any event, holiday or family gathering my mom would freak...
"christie you're on dusting, and vaccumming, scott you're mopping and doing dishes!" while she scrambled to finish the laundry, cook the meals, scrub the counter tops, wash the windows, align the magazines in the perfect formation, light the candles on the hearth, and perfectly straighten the throw blanket on the back of the couch]

somehow i can imagine that other women feel it too
this need to have things 'perfect'
[although this perfection looks differently to many - to me old, found, dirty things are awesome, and yet to our friend ryan, he thinks shabbied, vintage items remind him of a grandma's house's decor...]
there is a need - that i fulfill with having things in their perfect places, things are picked up
authenticity is what i am hoping to achieve through these thoughts.

i want people in our home
we are social beings, desiring conversation, laughter & stories
and although I value cleanliness as a sign of respect for the guests,
i dont think my friends desire perfection
for perfect and ideal people are utterly drab and boring
its truly through the chaos, greasy hair, mis matched china and cheap wine where we find true conversation, unconditional love and undoubtable authenticity...

1 comment:

Kristin said...

No, we don't require perfection. thanks for letting me see your room messy when we were over. I didn't think a thing about it except that you were real. We live in mess, metaphorically, and sometimes that spills over to our shelves and kitchens. It's okay because we can hold each other in that space and even help with the dishes when we see them. Love you my dear!