authenticity

decor is something i love

something i feel that i am good at

and yet something that ive recently found stresses me out

in my women's small group wednesday night, i realized that despite my love for community, friendship, dinners, wine and conversation, i freak when i think of people entering our home.

its not the people part - its the i have to show my house is perfect, part

perhaps its that i am naturally an introvert?

nervous and needing to prepare myself for groups, conversation, hostessing

OR maybe its that i have the need to prove i am a good woman, wife, adult in preparing a home...

like meth is merely a symptom of a bigger issue within the addict,
my house has become the symptom of my need for control within

interestingly enough, ive never been like this - my room in oregon is a mess, i always lived with roommates, thus was always messy, however now having a space of my own,

walls, shelves and tables to cover, embellish and adorne

finally having a home

it has become the main focus of my control

i am often times overcome with angst, stress and a task oriented nature

i am, in obvious ways, a 'type a' personality

however i dont think we - regardless of 'type' - are meant to live and thrive in stress

especially when it comes to desiring community, homecooked meals and friendship

but yet, i cannot deny that there is an unspoken pressure

it could be from within

it could be from others

regardless, its there

and i know my mom feels it - cause its what i grew up seeing

[before any event, holiday or family gathering my mom would freak...

"christie you're on dusting, and vaccumming, scott you're mopping and doing dishes!" while she scrambled to finish the laundry, cook the meals, scrub the counter tops, wash the windows, align the magazines in the perfect formation, light the candles on the hearth, and perfectly straighten the throw blanket on the back of the couch]

somehow i can imagine that other women feel it too

this need to have things 'perfect'

[although this perfection looks differently to many - to me old, found, dirty things are awesome, and yet to our friend ryan, he thinks shabbied, vintage items remind him of a grandma's house's decor...]

nonetheless

there is a need - that i fulfill with having things in their perfect places, things are picked up

authenticity is what i am hoping to achieve through these thoughts.

i want people in our home

we are social beings, desiring conversation, laughter & stories

and although I value cleanliness as a sign of respect for the guests,

i dont think my friends desire perfection

for perfect and ideal people are utterly drab and boring

its truly through the chaos, greasy hair, mis matched china and cheap wine where we find true conversation, unconditional love and undoubtable authenticity...